Three Questions Toward the Rebuilding of Trust

How can trust be rebuilt even through failure?

Perhaps its a matter of asking the right questions.

A BIBLICAL QUESTION: 

More important than the question,

                  "Can Peter be trusted?" is the question,

                  "Can Jesus be trusted?" 

Jesus chose Peter.  But can Peter be trusted?  

No. 

He said, “I’ll never leave you.  I’ll die for you.  Even if everyone else bails, I’ll stay.” 

But then he got scared and he broke trust. 

And yet the relationship between Jesus and Peter, ultimately grows.

It's not because Peter can be trusted.

It's because Jesus can. 

                 

A PERSONAL QUESTION: 

More important than the question,

         "Can you trust your child?" is the question,

         "Can your child trust you?"* 

In other words, the way relationships between kids and parents gets stronger – even through failure – is by the parent showing that they are trustworthy even when the kid fails. 

AN ULTIMATE QUESTION:

         And an even more important question is this:

                 "Can we trust God?"

So the ultimate question isn’t about Peter or my kids or me or anyone else.

It’s not about our trustworthiness.  It's really about God's. 

         Healthy attachment can grow – even through failure –

                  whenever the invitation exists to

                           root the relationship in the

                                    greater strength of Another.  

When my relationship with you isn't ultimately about me or you, but instead is rooted in God, then there is always hope - even hope for the rebuilding of trust.  Because ultimately, our relationship isn't about my trustworthiness or yours.  It's about God's.  And as we both look to Him for wholeness, our own brokenness can be overcome.  

*Parenting Beyond Your Capacity, Joiner and Nieuhoff

Love is Stronger

There's another shift that needs to take place if we're going to pass-on the faith to the next generation:

We must truly believe that love is stronger than fear.

I think this is always true.

But it is especially true in terms of Biblical character development. In the Christian story, love is the starting point, not fear of punishment.

Some of us would probably say that our faith development was very much motivated by a fear of punishment – as in eternal punishment.   And I realize some fearful threats exist in scripture, that there are Biblical stories of God punishing people, and that fear works as a motivator on a lot of levels. 

But I'd respond to any proponent of a model rooted in fear with this:

First, fear might work, but true love works better.  Love is an even better motivator than fear.  Its literally better (as in more good).  And it lasts longer.

Fear of punishment might motivate me to keep the rules, to drive the speed limit, at least until the cop drives by.  Once the threat of punishment is removed usually the motivation to keep the rules is gone too.  Unless the motivation is something stronger than fear.  Fear of punishment can motivate a person to keep the rules.  But is that what the Christian faith is about?  Keeping the rules?  No. 

And second, God wants us to be motivated by love.  This whole story is based on God wanting a real, authentic, love relationship with people.  


Love is stronger than fear.

I need to believe that when I pray.
I need to believe that when I parent.

intuition beats intellection

If we are to have a fighting chance in the struggle of passing-on the faith to the next generation, we need to shift our beliefs about how true formation happens.

We need to believe and embrace that intuition beats intellection. When it comes to religious formation:
meaning our character,
                  our ethics,
                  our beliefs,
                  the things that ultimately form the way we live,        
Intuitive Development matters
far more than intellectual development.
 In other words, you can be taught intellectually,
through formal educational methods:
         lecture, books, etc.,
                  that most snakes are perfectly harmless.
 
But if you intuitively feel uneasy around snakes –
even little ones with little mouths –
         then what you believe intuitively
                  will beat out what you’ve been taught intellectually.

Or you could hear from a teacher at church that
you should love people because Jesus loved people –
you might hear a story about Jesus loving people,
you might do a craft and
         make a heart and
         write a Bible verse on it “God so loved the world” and
         give it to your mom for the refrigerator door…
          but if what you experience in much of real life
                  is that loving people is risky,
                  if you don’t sense that those in your home
                           treat one another lovingly,
                  if you, intuitively, know that you’re not really
                           loved by those around you,
 what is happening intuitivelybeats out what is happening intellectually.  


Every time.  


John Westerhoff III writes this in his book Will Our Children Have Faith? "…I learned that there are two ways to think and know,
the intellectual and the intuitive. And it is the intuitive,
the pre-rational… that is foundational to religious life."
  
We could say it this way:
all of life educates (not just “formal” education).

So here's my question:
What did you teach your child today when you weren't even trying to teach them?  

Laugh at the Destroyer

"Israel ate the meat of a dumb lamb to complete the Passover.  Having done so, they smeared their doorposts with blood and laughed at the destroyer."  - Athanasius 4th Century

Amidst the pain
Of suffering
Of deceit
Of injustice
Of sorrow

I Stand
Behind the Blood

And proclaim:
"You can kill my body but you cannot have my soul.
I am purchased by the Redeemer who Rose Again.
And when sin's tantrum is finally exhausted I will stand with my King,
Fully alive.

Capacity for the Holy

Why are Christians failing to pass-on the Faith even to our own children?

The value of one generation sharing the story of God with the next is one of the highest in scripture.  But we don’t do this well. 

I think one of the reasons we often strike out here is that we fail to appreciate our children’s capacity for spiritual insight.   We dumb down spiritual mystery so dramatically that our stories lose their capacity to captivate. 

Of course kids are bored with the peas-and-carrots gospel we’ve spoon-fed them from cute, 4-ounce jars. 

They can handle so much more than this.  In fact, they’re starving for more.

Recently my 11-year-old daughter composed this poem.   Reading it was a wake-up call for this dad to hear the longing and recognize the capacity for the holy in children. 

Words

Words

So powerful

So strong

Set me free

To just be me

I stare at the

Blank Page

With determination

Wanting to prove

It wrong

Words flood

The page

The Emptiness

Is gone

I can tell the page

Tell God,

What I want

With no one to hold me back

Words 

Too Many Needs to Not Help

Sunday I asked our community why, even though we believe in living a life of compassion, we seldom actually engage in helping others in practical ways. 

And the one reason on which I focused was the misunderstanding that in order to help others, you, yourself, need to be all healed up. 

While I think that specific misunderstanding is common, it’s not the reason that most-often holds me back.  No, what usually keeps me from helping my neighbor is the nearly exhausting list of needs represented in my own home. 

I got lost in this daydream a few days ago: I was living in the country and my job was to care for my family.  Just my wife and three kids.  

In the daydream, this little community of 5 feels very manageable.  But then I  remember days and months and years when the needs within my own family were overwhelming. 

And then I start thinking of parents, siblings, nephews, nieces, and, of course, in-laws.  And, for me, this is a group of well-over 100 people.  That’s a whole lot of needs.  

Then, at least for me, there’s the church.  Several dozen families just like mine: full of needs. 

On one hand I think, “This is too much need.  I don’t have room for any more.  I can’t help.”

On the other hand I think, “That’s also a whole lot of support.  More than most will ever know.  How can I not help?”

Help while you're hurting. Heal while you're helping.

Last Sunday I asked our community why compassion so often slips off our priority lists. 

It’s an interesting question, especially to a church community like ours, because there’s already such a deep level of buy-in on helping others.  We already believe we should serve this city.  We already want to change the world. 

But, even we – who are already convinced – rarely do anything.

Why is that? 

The reason I focused on Sunday is the misunderstanding that we need to first reach a point of health before helping others.  While in extreme cases this is true, most of us should instead help others while we, ourselves are in the process of healing. 

Waiting to get healed before working to help others is stupid.  People who consistently help others know this.  It’s because you’re never fully healed.  You’re always hurting somewhere.   You’re never at 100%.  There simply aren’t people who have it all together.

If you’re waiting to help because you’re not fully healed, please stop waiting.  Help while you’re hurting.  You’ll be healed as you help others. 

[tomorrow: another reason we rarely serve others: we have enough to take care of in our own homes! ]